In breaking news, congress last night passed sweeping legislation. The number 0 (zero) will no longer be a number. The bill, introduced by Representatives Iva Lott of Idaho and Horace Racer of Kentucky, was ratified by congress in an impromptu legislative gathering last night.
Initially, house conservatives were reluctant to agree to the change. To their recollection, 0 had always been a number, so why change now. They argued that although zero is an Arabic number, no specific ties with the Taliban or other terrorist organizations have been identified at this time. They believed that eliminating zero may be viewed unfavorably by the Middle East.
Supporters of the bill argued that from the start 0 has been nothing but trouble. They were quick to note that our decimal number system is outdated and has not undergone any significant changes for thousands of years. Senator Ben Therenback of California stated “You can’t divide by zero, so it’s not like other numbers. It’s reciprocal is undefined, so it too should be undefined. In other words let’s just get rid of it.” To this, fellow liberals cheered in agreement. He continued “from a magnitude perspective, the number 0 makes no sense. How can you hold 0 things in your hand? Adding zero or subtracting zero does not change a number. In effect, it does nothing. Multiplying by zero just gives you zero. What other number does that? Let’s just get rid of it.” Even the conservatives couldn’t disagree with the additive and multiplicative properties of zero. After his speech, the tide had clearly turned and only one issue stood in the way of passage.
The bill nearly died over the issue of how it would effect the naming of “Coke Zero”. After a prolonged and vigorous debate, Vice President Biden suggested that it be renamed “Coke Non-Positive and Non-Negative”. The representatives were dumbfounded at the simplicity of this suggestion and congratulated the Vice President for his simpleminded approach. The Vice President emphasized the importance of compromise and that this “was not a zero-sum game that was being played. In the end, we are all winners or all losers.”. Congress had to agree with the Vice President, they were indeed either all winners or all losers.
Upon passage of the bill, President Obama quickly signed it into law at a midnight ceremony. The president was quick to point out that this legislation would have a dramatic impact on the growing national debt, saying “Just imagine, with a single stroke of the pen, changing 14,380,000,000,000 to just 1,438! I’ve never liked nor understood the need for zero-placeholders anyway.” He also said that Michelle would be ecstatic as the bill could have major impact on the obesity problem now crippling the nation. The president concluded by saying “Michelle will be glad to get rid of all the zeros!”.
The legislation will still allow for the writing of the number 0, but the number itself will now be refered to as “the number once known as zero”. It should be noted that the treasury department has started the recall of all $10, $50 and $100 bills. These bills will be replaced by the $9, $51 and $99 bills.
